Rethinking the upbringing of African boy child

By Lizzie Elizabeth Chuma*

Across the African continent, the upbringing of children has always been shaped by deep cultural norms, community expectations, and long-standing traditions. Yet within these traditions lies a profound imbalance that continues to shape families, influence relationships, and create cycles of conflict and misunderstanding. In many homes, there is a clear distinction between what is expected of girls and what is expected of boys.

Girls are raised with discipline, responsibility, humility, and emotional restraint, while boys are often raised with leniency, entitlement, and very little accountability. This pattern is so embedded in our societies that many people no longer notice it, even though its consequences are increasingly visible in broken relationships, rising divorce rates, emotional immaturity among men, and escalating gender-based violence.

A scoping review of literature on the victim-perpetrator relationship, published in Trauma Violence Abuse in 2025, highlights the prevalence of violence against children in Sub-Saharan Africa.

As someone who champions the Purple Movement in South Africa, yet rooted in Malawian experience, I have observed this imbalance in multiple communities. The pattern is the same: the girl child is taught how to behave, how to speak, how to carry herself, how to think, and above all, how to serve. The boy child, on the other hand, is often treated as a king fed, protected, excused, and defended far beyond what is reasonable.

While the intention behind this upbringing may be to create strong men, capable leaders, or respected family heads, the outcome is often the opposite. Instead of cultivating strength, it cultivates entitlement. Instead of building responsibility, it builds emotional weakness. Instead of raising gentleman, we are raising men who struggle with basic character traits such as patience, humility, respect, and self-discipline.

The cultural blueprint of unequal upbringing

One of the most striking aspects of African upbringing is how early the differences in expectations begin. A young girl is taught from childhood to wake up early, sweep the compound, prepare food, care for younger siblings, show politeness to elders, and behave in a respectful manner at all times.

The girl child is trained in service; her value is tied to her ability to manage domestic tasks and to portray humility. She is told that her behaviour reflects her family, and that her future depends on her ability to be respectful and hardworking.

The boy child, however, is often protected from these responsibilities. In many households, he is told to sit while the girl works. He is told that certain tasks are beneath him. He is praised for doing the bare minimum and excused for doing nothing at all. When he makes mistakes, the adults laugh, pat him on the back, and say that boys will always be boys.

When he refuses to do chores, it is explained away as normal. Instead of being taught responsibility, the boy is conditioned to expect service. Instead of being disciplined, he is excused. Instead of being corrected, he is defended. As a result, he grows up believing that the world owes him something simply because he is male.

Over time, this becomes a cultural script that is repeated across generations. It is passed down not as a lesson but as an unspoken truth: girls must learn to carry burdens, while boys must learn to be carried. And when this script is not questioned, it shapes the character of an entire generation of men.

The character gap created by lax upbringing

Character is not inherited; it is developed. A person becomes disciplined by practicing discipline. A person becomes responsible by performing responsibilities. A person becomes humble through correction and self-reflection. But when a boy grows up with neither responsibilities nor correction, it becomes difficult to expect him to display these traits as an adult.

A boy who is taught that anger is strength learns to use aggression as a communication tool (Photo Credit: Internet)

A man who has never been told “No” will struggle to accept it from a partner. A man who has never been asked to contribute in the home will struggle to participate in household duties. A man who was raised without emotional boundaries will struggle to listen, apologize, or engage in meaningful conflict resolution.

This character gap becomes particularly evident in modern relationships. Women today are more educated, more empowered, and more aware of their rights than previous generations. They expect partnership, not domination.

They expect communication, not command. They expect shared roles, not gender-based contributions. Yet because many men were not raised to adapt to this environment, they find themselves frustrated and overwhelmed by the expectations of modern marriage. The qualities they were praised for in childhood being male, being pampered, being served do not translate into the skills needed for partnership. Instead, these men feel threatened by a world that demands emotional maturity they never practiced.

The result is emotional conflict. Many men retreat into silence, anger, denial, or blame whenever they face challenges within relationships. Their inability to take responsibility is not a coincidence; it is the product of an upbringing that never demanded accountability. Their difficulty in apologizing is not arrogance; it is emotional immaturity. Their defensiveness in the face of correction is not stubbornness; it is the insecurity of someone who was never taught to handle critique. Without developing character, relationships become battles instead of partnerships.

The upbringing violence connection

A report by UNICEF (2025) focuses on coordinating efforts to address violence against children and women, highlighting the importance of collaboration. One of the most painful consequences of this cultural imbalance is its link to gender-based violence. Violence does not emerge suddenly; it grows from a lack of emotional discipline.

A boy who is taught that anger is strength and that softness is weakness learns to use aggression as a communication tool. A boy who is not taught empathy becomes a man who struggles to see women as equals. A boy who is raised to be served becomes a man who cannot tolerate disagreement. When such a man faces a partner who challenges him or expects equal contribution, he may interpret her independence as disrespect.

Gender-based violence often grows in environments where boys are discouraged from expressing emotions such as sadness or fear, but encouraged to express dominance and aggression. Boys are taught to suppress their humanity and express only their authority. By the time these boys grow into men, they lack the emotional vocabulary to communicate their frustrations.

A normal argument is interpreted as a threat. A request for help becomes an insult. A woman’s refusal becomes rebellion. And when emotional immaturity combines with the entitlement that was planted in childhood, violence becomes an expression of frustration.

This is not to excuse abusive behaviour; it is to understand where it begins. Cultural patterns shape personal behaviour, and when those patterns teach boys to value authority over empathy, the outcome becomes evident in the rising cases of domestic violence across the continent.

The crisis of modern relationships

The modern African relationship is undergoing a transformation. Society has changed. Education has changed women’s roles. Urbanization has changed family structures. Economic realities require cooperation between partners. Yet the upbringing of boys has not evolved at the same pace.

Men are still being raised according to old cultural scripts that no longer align with modern partnership expectations. They are still being taught to lead, yet given no training in the skills that leadership requires. They are still being taught that they must be feared, not understanding that true leadership inspires respect, not fear.

In many homes today, divorce rates are rising, and one of the often-ignored causes is the unequal preparation that men and women receive from childhood. Women enter relationships understanding sacrifice, communication, and compromise. Men enter relationships expecting control, obedience, and automatic respect. When these worlds collide, conflict becomes inevitable.

Leave no one behind in education and development (Photo Credit: Michael Candelori)

For many women, the emotional labor of their relationships becomes unbearable. They are tired of raising grown men who should have been taught basic character development by their parents. They are tired of carrying the weight of responsibility alone. They are tired of partners who cannot express emotions, say sorry, or handle conflict maturely. Meanwhile, many men feel overwhelmed by the expectations of modern partnership because their upbringing never prepared them for it. The mismatch becomes a breeding ground for separation and heartbreak.

Looking forward: Rewriting the narrative

A study published in PubMed (2025) explores the effectiveness of parenting interventions in reducing violence against children in humanitarian settings in low- and middle-income countries. If African societies are to heal, if families are to thrive, and if relationships are to stabilize, the way we raise the boy child must be re-examined. Our culture is rich and valuable, but culture must evolve when it harms more than it helps.

Boys need to be raised with the same discipline, responsibility, and emotional guidance that girls receive. They need to be trained in household duties, empathy, communication, and accountability. When boys grow up understanding responsibility instead of entitlement, they become better men, better partners, and better leaders.

The transformation begins in the home. It begins with parents who are willing to challenge the belief that boys are too special to be corrected. It begins with communities that value emotional maturity as much as physical strength. It begins with teaching boys that humility is a strength, not a weakness, and that respecting women is a sign of character, not submission. A boy who learns these lessons early will grow into a man who leads with kindness, not fear; with understanding, not violence; with partnership, not privilege.

Conclusion

The upbringing of the African boy child is one of the most urgent yet overlooked issues affecting our relationships and communities. The cultural patterns that raise boys like kings and girls like servants create men who are unprepared for the emotional, social, and practical demands of modern life. If we continue raising boys without discipline, without accountability, and without emotional education, we will continue to see the consequences in rising divorce rates, broken families, and gender-based violence.

Yet change is possible. By rethinking our approach and balancing the upbringing of boys and girls, we can shape a generation of African men who are responsible, respectful, emotionally intelligent, and compassionate. Such men will not only strengthen relationships but also contribute to safer, healthier communities. Culture may shape us, but we have the power to reshape culture—and the time to begin is now.

*Chuma is a freelance contributor to The Lamp magazine.